To sleep, per chance to dream...

or however that quote goes.


Sleep, or lack thereof, has been a factor in my life forever. When I was little I sharply remember being terrified of sleep. I hated trying to go to sleep. My mom thinks it stems from her telling me right before or during my grandfather's (open casket) funeral that 'he looks like he's sleeping'. So I wouldn't be afraid to see him. I was about five. I guess it had the opposite effect because after that it seemed I had bad dreams and couldn't sleep well at all. Although to be fair to her--I never slept well as a baby either.


As an older child I remember hating to fall asleep and I think it had something to do with not wanting to loose control. I am (I have since analyzed myself) a control freak. Never ever been drunk or even had a buzz, never taken a mind-altering drug that wasn't expressly ordered by a doctor/dentist. I simply never wanted to be out of control of my faculties. May have made me a boring date, but no embarrassing or dangerous close calls here.


Fast forward to my first pregnancy. While preggo with Little d I had the usual end of pregnancy sleep trouble. Getting up to pee, stuffy nose, having to sit up to change positions. But nothing too serious. Really? That pregnancy was a walk in the proverbial park. And I heard rumors that when you have a newborn you loose alot of sleep. And all that sleeplessness "prepares" you for having a newborn.


Not even close.


No. I really mean not. even. close.


Little d would not sleep for longer than 10 minutes without someone holding her. I am not exaggerating. Well except that usually it was only about 5 minutes. We tried swaddling, we tried different people laying her down, we tried different location. Clothes, temperature, sound, light. We tried it all. I had {stupidly} said prior to her arrival 'I will not have a kid sleeping in my bed...' Don't cha love how God makes us eat our words?


At four months my dad said 'Meredith, why don't you just try and see if she will sleep in the bed with you?' Guess what? After one night of sleeping beside me on my arm, she did it. She slept in the bed beside me only waking twice for feedings. God bless my dad. And God bless my husband and mom for sharing duties during those hellish sleepless times.


So I finally began speaking in coherent sentences again and even NOT falling asleep standing up. Yes that can really happen if you are sleep deprived enough. It all taught me something new though: suddenly I could sleep at any time any where. Dark or light, quiet or loud. TV on or off. Didn't matter. See, prior to this I had to have perfection to sleep. TV on, or at the very least a lamp or hall light. I had to be in the right mood for sleep. I had to be able to clear my head.

After Little d was born, for the first time in my life, I could fall asleep within five minutes. For the first time in my life. Ironic, right? The time I finally learned to appreciate sleep and it was the same time it became so elusive. OH and around this time I {stupidly} said something to the effect of "no matter what it takes, our next baby will not be held while sleeping!" (yes you can laugh at this)


By the time Little d was two she was pretty much sleeping in her own bed and through the night. If she woke up, she was able to find her pah pah (pacifier) and go back to sleep. The transition from our bed to hers was effortless, despite my fear. And even at three when she "broke" her last pah pah and we had to throw it away, she did very well. She missed it occasionally and once woke up saying "there's something missing...in my mouth." Life became normal again. I even started watching TV to fall asleep at night.


Then Little m was born. I thought I was in some kind of dream. I mean for starters, her delivery had been so easy I didn't even need painkillers. Wait--I mean for the recovery. For the delivery I totally had an epidural! So coming home from the hospital, after having her sleep in the bassinet by my bed for two to four hours at a time, I thought this is the perfect baby. She slept for hours on her own. Anywhere. And I felt actually human. But things started getting tricky when she refused to take a bottle of any sort, or a pacifier. And you realize of course who the pacifier was, right? So until she was one year old, I was up at least three times a night, nursing or pacifying. It was exhausting. Physically and mentally. I just wanted a full night of sleep. It was probably the reason I suffered four (4!) bouts of mastitis. Oh and to make it interesting, around 4-7 months old she went through a spell of not sleeping without being held--again eating those words...

But again, we survived. Now she sleeps mostly in her bed. And mostly through the night.

Still. Sleep is not easy around here. Little m still gets rocked to sleep. And that is really hard for me. I can't carry her easily anymore. And I for sure I can't carry her up the stairs. For naps, when I'm here alone, I just deposit her on the couch. She is very attached to me right now. I know this is her realizing that change is coming. And that makes me nervous for what will happen when I am again the nurser/pacifier of a newborn. {Fingers crossed he takes a bottle and pacifier if need be because I {stupidly} have made the comment that "our next baby will take a bottle or pacifier--no matter what"}

And Little d has started being afraid of being alone anywhere in the house. She still sleeps in her bed on her own, but she is afraid of having bad dreams and this translates to her waking during the night and needing reassurance--even if she hasn't had a scary dream.

And is seems that both girls have developed a sixth sense to know when D leaves for work in the morning at 4am and they soon migrate to my bed. Which wouldn't be a big deal at all, if I had slept well up until that point. But with the heartburn, difficulty breathing, peeing, painful hips and back...blah blah blah, I'm not.

So here we are. Waiting to see what happens with this next one. There will be adjustments, without a doubt. And there is a good possibility I will be eating something I've said at one point. But we will survive. Most importantly--we will survive as a family.