15 Minutes

It takes about 15 minutes to drive my two middle schoolers to school in the morning.  Give or take considering lights and traffic.  Our usual thing is to talk about the day ahead and say our morning prayers.  Sometimes we listen to the radio--not too often these days as we are tired and unenthusiastic for school.

15 minutes:

'Get in we are running behind.'  Little m was running late-unusual for her-because she is in a play today and needed a last minute 'costume'.  Camo jacket with black jeans as she is playing in The Night Witches.  A story about Russian women pilots during WW2 worth learning about if you haven't heard of them.

Hop in check to make sure we have all our things. Lunches. Badges. Phones.

Drive way.  'You know there was a school shooting in Texas that killed 19 kids, right?'  I start.  Talking over the lump in my throat.  They have to hear it from me also I have to give the warnings.  'I just want you guys to be aware ALL THE TIME of your surroundings.  Always aware of the situation.'  I go on to talk about paying attention to things.  Remember where you are supposed to go in each class room.  From the active shooter drills they've had.

10 Minutes:

We discuss as we always do at least once a month.  Be kind to everyone.  Stick up for anyone you see getting bullied.  It's hard but it's the right thing to do.  'We are privileged.'  We have food everyday.  And clothes and your parents don't hit each other or you.  'We are so lucky.'  Just be kind to everyone because we don't know what they go home to every day.

7 Minutes:

'I am soo proud of you guys.'  Not just for your grades I let them know.  But for how they are so kind and good humans.  'Being a good human is more important than being smart.'  We say our prayers.  As we do every morning.  But this morning I am fighting hard not to cry as we add prayers for the families in Uvalde.

3 Minutes:

Pull up to the stoplight by the school.  Little m from the back seat....why are the flags halfmast?  Is that for the shooting?  Me....yes it must be.  Turn into the drop off lane.  'You know these last two days of school will be the safest all year because everyone is on heightened alert.'  I fucking hate that I said that and that I know that.  There is an SRO walking through the parking lot an assistant principal standing with a security guard at drop off.  Little m laughs that she's going to have to explain that she's wearing a camo jacket because she's in a play.

One Minute:

'Ok I love you guys kisses kisses see you at regular pickup time.'

And then I watch them get out.  And then I check my blind spot and the crosswalk.  And then I pull back into the traffic lane.  And then I start crying.

I don't know what needs to be done but we can't keep doing what we are doing now because it is not working.