The Great Blow Up of '05 (otherwise known as the longest post in history)

Okay you all have been waiting months and months for this post right? I'm going to try to make it as short, yet as explanatory, as possible.


It mostly started with the birth of my daughter. I was a new mom and in case you missed the title of my blog...fiercely protective of her. I never knew what a mother's instinct was, much less how it would just completely take over my life. My husband, God bless him, finally got it. It took a little adjusting for him to realize that I was a completely different person. No longer did I care if his dinner was waiting on him when he walked in the door-perfectly timed everyday. My new purpose in life was to be a mom. Don't worry, our marriage is stronger than ever. I've also learned to divide myself into neat little compartments. Mom. Wife. Self. Pretty much always in that order. And Self usually gets the leftovers, but Self loves being a Wife and a Mom, so it works out.


My mother in law (MIL) is... Whew. Well she can be a bit of a drama queen, but I overlook that because my dear Memaw is one as well. So I'm accustomed to it. She's also one who thinks she knows the right way to do everything. Please tell me you know someone like that. I know a few myself. And I am quite happy to nod politely and ignore her advice.


Then there is my future former sister in law. Hmmm what initial should I dub her with? FFSIL? 'kay. She is a piece of work. Here's a little story about the first time I met her.


It was Christmas at D's parents' house. The year we got engaged. D had talked to his brother and his brother told him that we were not going to exchange gifts with them that year. No problem. I-all susie homemaker like-baked sugar cookies for them.


FFSIL walks in with armfuls of gifts and starts handing them out. D says 'hey I thought we weren't giving each other gifts.' She says...and I'm not kidding...'oh I'm not the kind of person that can just NOT bring a gift.' I knew in that very instant who she was.


Now that you know the players, here's the back story:


D and his brother are not close at all. They talk to each other maybe twice a year. We see each other usually only at Christmas. It's like far flung relatives who don't really see eye to eye very much. And well FFSIL and I could not be more different. She is completely career oriented. She travels out of the country on business (whether her kids are sick or not.) "I'd go crazy if I had to stay at home with my kids all day," has come out of her mouth. I very diplomatically did NOT say 'yes and likely they would too.' On a side note: Do you find that people who proclaim themselves to be very open minded are usually not really open minded at all?

MIL and, for that matter, FIL fell in love with her. They thought she could do no wrong. MIL talked incessantly about FFSIL this and FFSIL that. When grand kids came along it was no different. A (the firstborn granddaughter) was the constant topic of conversation. When MIL came here she would actually interrupt a story I was telling about Little d to tell one of her own with A. {It was so bad that until recently Little d thought MIL was A's mom.}


Little d began getting carsick at nine months. Now I guess to some moms that's no big deal. Some moms would just hand their kid a bucket and go. Suffering kid or no. I don't have that in me. And it's not just because I don't like cleaning Spaghettio chucks out of upholstery. Why would I want to take a miserable child on a two-plus hour trip (one way) when she is eleven months old and has no concept of why she is dry heaving for two hours (one way) in the car? There you have the reason why we didn't attend A's second birthday party.


And now we are at the start of the Great Blow Up of '05.


MIL tells D that R (that's his brother) is so upset that we are not attending A's party that he is crying about it. Crying...and to his mother no less. Instead of calling D and venting or handling like a normal adult sibling would do. Speaks volumes, doesn't it?


I decided to talk to FFSIL about it mom to mom. I mistakenly thought she would understand if I just explained it myself. So I composed an email. She was in Guatemala on business so it was the best way to reach her. I just explained that I wanted to speak to her mom to mom and to explain that I didn't feel it was fair to Little d to take her on such a long trip with her issues in the car.


Talk about your poking a hornet's nest.

She waited a week to respond. (Her reason: she was busy at work with late dinner meetings and what not.) She attacked me on so many points for over two pages of single spaced type that the carsickness issue only took up one paragraph. She attacked my IBS, she attacked the people "I surround myself with", she attacked my parenting skills, she attacked my relationship with MIL...the list went on and on. The big headliner though was the way we handled her nephew's death. (More on that later--Just know that he was killed in a car accident two days before I was induced with Little d.)


Well let me tell you people I was pissed. One, this is someone who , at that time, had seen me in person a grand total of maybe 10 times. Two, if you leave the country when your infant daughter is ill, you have no right to critique my parenting skills. Three, if I had my nose as far up my MIL's butt as you, there would be no room for you.

So I sat down to retort. D was so furious that he said it would not be wise at all for him to respond to her. Even though he really wanted to. And gosh I just re-read my letter back to her and it is juicy. I really should post it some time. Here's the portion about her nephew's death. (She felt that I sent the sympathy card too late.) Warning: it's a little graphic and long winded...

"The most important issue you raised in your letter is that you feel I was completely insensitive to ( ) death. If you think for one second that I was not thinking of your trauma and keeping your family in my prayers than it is clear that you do not know me at all. I am very sorry for what your family went through and continues to go though. I am sorry for not responding in the way you thought was proper. D spoke to his mother and asked where we could send flowers to the funeral and she insisted that she would handle it. Now should I have gone behind her back and sent the flowers anyway? I didn't want to offend (MIL) by ignoring her. The only explanation I have for the thank you note being late is: yes, my labor was easier than most people I guess..."

okay I decided to leave out the description of my birth story scares and my yucky infectional six month recovery to spare you endless reading. I described it for her because she had stated in her letter that since I had an easy delivery I should have been more on the ball with writing my sympathy note. It actually was not a 'thank you note' as she called it since it devoted one line to the thank you for the flowers and two paragraphs to sympathy. OK back to the letter...

"Add to that sleep deprivation and the pain of breastfeeding and the only thing that kept me sane was looking at my beautiful daughter. Sometime during this I sent you a thank you card. If it was during that first month than I think even Emily Post would agree I at least tried to come in under the wire of good taste. If you became angry over this than I am at least thankful that you had somewhere tangible to direct your anger during your time of grief."

Uhg. This is like only half the story. Are you still reading? Do you need a potty break? Get up stretch your legs...I'll wait.

So she didn't respond to my response. This is how I ended the letter...

"I'm not sure how you want to resolve this. We will never have the same views on many things, I accept that from you. In that vein I guess we can adopt a live and let live attitude. I have no problem with that. I have tried to apologize for offending you and angering you and I do so with sincerity. If you feel you can accept my apology and let go of the anger you've had for so long then I guess we are kind of starting with a clean slate. If you or R want to begin contacting us you are welcome to do so. If you are still too angry and need time that's okay too. We'll let you set the pace."


Alright. So now you know why me and ol' FFSIL are never gonna be BFFs. Ever. Never.

Entre vous, MIL. That's right. You didn't think she could NOT butt into this did you? She proceeds to tell D that not only are we not good parents, but she attacks my mom and dad. WTF? She says my mom eavesdrops on her and FIL when they are at my house. Oh man if you knew my mom you would laugh out loud at that. My mom spent a lot of time here helping me during my recovery from childbirth and when D's parents would come to visit (every two months or so) she would go upstairs to give them time to spend with us. MIL thought she was listening in. Ludicrous. I mean for starters, all they talk about is deer, rain, and cattle. Oh and the other granddaughter. Who would want to listen to that? And second, you can't hear what's going on downstairs when you are upstairs and THIRD MY MOM IS NOT A BUSYBODY!

She attacks my dad by acting like his job is so leisurely that he golfs all the time. Again I say WTF? First, when their gas station began slipping financially, he gave up golf. Now that he has another job, he only golfs because my uncle bought him a gift membership for Christmas. Not that it's any of her damn BUSYBODY business.

Plus she had acted so heinously during Little d's first birthday party and made everyone so uncomfortable that I was enraged. And I sat up until two in the morning of Little d's party and wrote her a searing letter. I am not going to type in that whole letter right now, so here are some highlights:

• As you told me numerous times before D and I were married, if you ever interferred as your MIL did, that I should tell you to butt out. Now I'm telling you to butt out.
• You told me that grandchildren will be spanked when they are at your house. No one will spank my child without my permission.
• You think my parents are spending too much time here. The only person who needs to approve that is D and he enjoys spending time with them.
• I cannot believe that you have sunk so low as to make personal attacks on my family.
• I am also tired of your obsession over needing to be alone with Little d. My parents are happy to visit with us while playing with her and still she knows them well.
• I am close to my family and will not change that for anyone. And if you hope to salvage any relationship with me whatsoever, you can accept that about me.

Thus began the great chill. I lost all respect for her. She did not apologize or even respond. Really and truly I will not only never trust her, I don't have respect for her. Here are some things she's done since.

When they were adding onto their house, she said something about me coming over to paint. I said I would as long as I weren't pregnant (we were trying for number two at the time.) When D called her to tell her I had the miscarriage she said "oh now she can come over and paint." Wow. Doesn't get much more cold hearted than that.

When I had my biopsy surgery, she wanted to babysit Little d. I had already arranged for my dad to do it. At the time Little d (18 mths) was extremely attached to my dad. {Little m is exactly the same way now.} When she found out we didn't need her babysitting services she became pissed and went to Houston to stay with R and FFSIL rather than come sit in the waiting room with her son whose wife was having a breast biopsy. She's a waaaarm fuzzy, that one.

There are other things, but those two in my mind are pretty unforgivable. Forget me for a minute. She has caused my husband so much grief in his life it's ridiculous. It's probably why he's so close to my parents.

But now. Oh lovely readers, now. I am the Golden one. FFSIL has hurt the favored son by divorcing him and suddenly MIL thinks I'm just peachy. FFSIL now can do no right. Everything and I mean everything is wrong with her.

Flip-flop.

It's funny because I've been at the party for hours, talking, popping hors d'oerves and mingling with the guests. R, MIL and FIL just got here.

Thanks for reading. Now go grab some Visine for your eyes!