Ultrasound Nazi

as promised. Here's the post I warned you about. And while I'm warning you, if you don't want to hear you know "medical terms" like "vagina" just skip reading today.

I've been going to my OBGYN, Dr. S, for probably 10 years. He was my primary physician's gyno, so when I needed one, she referred me to him. He has the reputation of being the best woman's doctor in town. Several people I know went to him after years of trying to get pregnant, and he had them preggo in months. Okay that's sounds weird, but you know what I mean. I even recently heard that a Houston fertility doctor said he's the best in town. So, you know, I'm happy with my doc.

He works in the Woman's Clinic. (okay that's not the official name, but you get the idea.) This clinic is divided into two locations with I have no idea how many docs. He is at the location nearest us, and also adjacent to the hospital I like to birth at. hehehe. That sounds all hippy. Anyway, each location has an ultrasound tech. Our location has a lady I like to refer to as the Ultrasound Nazi. I think, and I'm just guessing here, that not only has she never had a tranvaginal ultrasound, but she's also never had sex.

The U.N. as we'll call her, has been the only person I've had give me an ultrasound--except when I was at the hospital for my miscarriage. She is so unfriendly for starters. I mean most of the time she is dealing with ridiculously happy couples getting ridiculously happy news. You would think she would crack a smile. But no.

So my first dealings with her were in my first pregnancy. My periods were all wonky. Like 40-50 day cycles. So I knew when they would ask "when was the date of your last mentrual period?" that the answer meant absolutely nothing as far the pregnancy dates were concerned. My doc attempted to hear the baby's heartbeat at what they thought was almost 11 weeks (with the doppler). Of course he couldn't hear it yet because I wasn't that far along. So he sent me for an ultrasound. With the U.N.

I walk in to a dimly lit room decorated like a sitting room. I had to undress. I thought maybe I would get dinner and a movie first, but no, she was all business. Did you know they use condoms on the wands? ANYway. That's about all for the romance. Holy cow! Not only was she not gentle, but then when she had to check my ovaries, she practically shoved my feet out of the stirrups. 'Hey woman, take it easy, I'm pretty sure their still between my hips somewhere!'

So I've had several of these ultrasounds since. One when I had the miscarrage. Two or three with Little m. And each time, same scenario. But this time...

I sit in the waiting room with D waiting to be called back. What's this? A new woman calls us back. Hmmm. She's smiling. She's talkative and pleasant. I go change in the bathroom and hear her making small talk with D. 'Unbelievable, she's actually human,' I think.

I am prepared for the worst. But guess what? It doesn't hurt. At all. And then she says the words I dread...'I'm just going to check your ovaries.' I clinch my jaw. But nothing. No pain. No shoving my legs. Huh? Sooo this whole procedure doesn't have to hurt?

Well when we're getting ready to leave I ask the receptionist (in what I hope is a casual tone) "Is that a new girl doing ultrasounds?" "Oh she's just over from {the other location}." Crap, that means she won't be here all the time.

So then last time I went in I thought okay Mere, suck it up. You only have to do this one more time. Then you'll be out of the woods and the next ultrasound will be a normal one. Still I was dreading the visit. I mean, looking forward to hearing a heartbeat, but dreading the pain. Especially now that I knew it was unnecessary. I even said a prayer to God on the way to the office pleading with him to please make it not hurt.

And guess what? Another new girl. And she was even friendlier than the last. And super gentle. Didn't hurt a bit. I thanked her for being so gentle and she said "hey, I've been where you are." That speaks volumes doesn't it?

Now, I don't know what they've done with the Ultrasound Nazi. Her name plate is still on the door. But as far as I'm concerned, I am perfectly happy with the substitutes!